You probably already know that I’m pregnant and very close to delivering! My due date is the 17th, so any day now. I have so many mixed emotions, like looking forward to the fact that Job will have a playmate, but dreading running errands with two little ones. I struggle with thinking about how much more of my time will be consumed with taking care of little ones, but also being convicted that my life is not about me, it’s about serving others to the glory of God. This past week, I’ve had a lot of thoughts about mothering going through my head, but one particular thought rings out above the rest, what am I doing with my life?
This thought has been prompted by the tragic death of two people in the past week. The first was Jeremiah Small, the teacher I served with in N. Iraq, who was shot to death on March 1st. I only worked with him for a short time, but in that time I saw how purposefully and intentionally he lived every minute of his life, from teaching to casual conversations.
The second death was the baby of some friends in Colorado. After a completely normal pregnancy, their baby was still born. One human being left this earth before his life outside the womb even began, the second life left his earth only part way through a “normal” life span. I am reminded of the fragility of life.
This makes me stop and consider my daily actions. What if I was to die tomorrow? This is a cliche question that we stop and consider whenever a tragedy happens. But a few weeks or months later, the questions fades from our minds, and we go on with our lives. I think with the two deaths last week, I have been convicted to not let this question just fade from my mind, but to make some real changes. I’m not really sure what this looks like. But perhaps that is a good thing, because then hopefully this question will remain on my mind for some time as I consider what changes I need to make in my life to live purposefully and intentionally.
I think of a quote by Martin Luther. He was asked what he would do if Jesus was to come back tomorrow. Luther answered “I’d plant a tree,” meaning that he was living his life the way he ought to, he didn’t feel like he needed to dash around and make some serious changes. I find that this quote is very applicable to life, especially right now as I consider what it looks like for me to live purposefully and intentionally.
The other thought that has been in my mind a lot lately is thinking about my mission as a mother. I find that it is so easy for me to get caught up in my to-do list, to get caught up in my plans for the day. I’d like to go shopping. I’d like to sew a quilt (uninterrupted). I’d like to take myself out for a cup of coffee and do a whole lot of pinning to Pinterest. This is my agenda for the day!
Then, when I get focused on my agenda, I get annoyed when Job gets tired of playing by himself or when he wants my attention, which increases my frustration that 1) I can’t have my own agenda for the day and 2) when I try to complete my agenda, I just get interrupted.
I have to remember why I am a stay-at-home-mom. Am I doing it to serve myself or to serve my family. Hmmm… On the outside I am doing it to serve my family, in my heart, well, I kind of tend to get torn between the two. I really want to serve my family, but I really want to spend the day on myself. Of course, there is a balance, I don’t believe that every moment of my day should be devoted to entertaining Job (and soon to be second baby). But I must consider where my heart is. Too often my heart is focused on myself and my agenda, rather than considering what God is calling me to do.
It is such a struggle though, to not eagerly look forward to nap time so that I can have my own alone time. Part of this, I think is being 39 weeks pregnant and not feeling especially motivated anyway. But mostly this is just sin nature. Right now, nothing sounds better than having a get-away weekend with my husband. Maybe a get-away week, or even a get-away month. I am tired of dealing with dirty dishes and clutter. I want an exciting change in my life. But probably what I actually need is an attitude change. I need a heart change.
This along with the events of last week has been making me consider that perhaps an overall vision for my life as a mom/wife/woman is in order. A vision that inspires me to keep going when I get to the end of my patience (which happens far too quickly), and something that keeps me accountable to being purposefully and intentional in my actions. Again, I don’t really know what that looks like, but it’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about.
Do you have a vision statement for you life that you’d be willing to share? If so, I’d really love to hear it as I consider what my vision statement should look like!