Learning to Give All of Me

As some of you know, I’ve been on an organizing spree (see No More Super Mom) in an effort to squeeze a little extra time out of my day.  Yesterday morning as I dressed Job and readied myself for church, I thought “How will I do this with two kids?  How do people do this with three or four kids?”  I realized later on in the day as I reflected on the ordeal of getting myself and Job out the door (and on time) for church, that sometimes time issues aren’t so much an issue of being organized, but of letting go of my selfishness.

Back when I was single, and even as a newlywed, a typical Sunday morning involved sleeping in till about an hour before church, leaping out of bed, showering, dressing, and diving into the car.  Now, of course, it has all changed, I don’t really sleep in, and there isn’t any of this “getting ready in an hour” business.  I need to make breakfast, feed two boys, get Job ready (which sometimes also involves getting Brandon ready), get myself ready, and then dive for the car.

This past Sunday morning, as I wondered how I could organize myself better, I realized that what I was really wanting, was my old schedule back, where I could enjoy a leisurely Sunday morning with only myself to worry about.  I just didn’t want to make room in my life for taking care of others.  As I think about our upcoming baby, and all that a toddler and a baby entails, I realize that my old me-centered schedule is becoming more and more a part of the past.  Of course becoming more organized can help me find “me” time more easily, but the issue still exists, that as my family grows, so do the demands on my personal time.

Basically, I’m learning to die to self.

This all reminds me of a new song out by Matt Hammond, lead singer for Sanctus Real, and his new song called “All of Me.”  Many of you are probably familiar with Baby Bowen and the congenital heart defect he was born with.  Matt Hammond wrote the song “All of Me” to express his struggle over the possibility of loosing his little baby  and how easy it would be to keep from fully loving his baby in an effort to protect his heart.  This song always makes me cry, I’m crying now as I listen to it.  The words strikes right at my heart, not because Job is seriously ill, but because I’m reminded of how many ways I try to protect my personal time and pursue my own interests.  I am reminded of my own selfishness.  I don’t want to get to be 60 or 70 years old, reflect back on my life and regret that I didn’t give my children all of me because I was too focused on my own life.

On the outside, people would probably say “Oh Laura, you have nothing to worry about, look at all the things you do for Job.”  Like most moms, I devote the majority of myself to keeping Job fed, bathed, dressed and happy.  I’m not talking about regretting that I didn’t feed my child or give him more baths.  I’m thinking about regretting the little things, like feeling resentful that I had to give up a lazy Sunday morning.  Or that I anxiously awaited nap times so that I could finally have some alone time.  I don’t believe that every moment of my day has to be Job centered, but I do believe I need to be careful that when I’m looking for personal time, I’m not doing it because I am more interested in my own interests that in looking out for the interests of others (Phil. 2:4).

I want Job to have had all of me, not just 1/2 of me I grudgingly give up till he is grown and I can get on with my life.  I want him to have all my love, not just a portion of my love because I was too busy trying to organize my life around me.

In case you’ve never heard the song “All of Me” before, here it is.  Below this link you will also find the lyrics, which, as soon as I can unearth my printer from one of our many unpacked boxes, I intend to print out and put on my fridge as a reminder that I am giving Job all of me, just as Christ gave all of himself for us.

All of Me

Afraid to love something that could break
Could I move on if you were torn away?
I’m so close to what I can’t control
Can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear

You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms
I won’t let pain keep you from my heart
I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I’ll share with you

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear

You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

Heaven brought you to this moment
It’s too wonderful to speak
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me

Let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me

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