When I first started writing this blog I began with the desire to post at least three times a week. No really, it’s not a joke, that was my aspiration. Obviously, reality quickly sunk in and I tweeked my aspiration to posting once a week. And if you’ve been keeping track, you know it’s been several weeks since I last blogged. But I think about my blog daily. I think “what could I write about today?” or “I wonder if people would find ____ interesting” or “I just love this book/recipe/idea, maybe I could write a blog on it”. But then sometimes I wonder if our brains could possibly handle one more piece of information; there are so many blogs, so many articles, so many newsletters out in cyberworld, that I wonder if there is even a point to little ol’ me even keeping a blog.
The past few days as I’ve thought about my blog, I’ve had this little voice in the back of my head that keeps saying “honesty, people need honesty, then need to hear your heart.” Well maybe you don’t “need” to hear my heart, not like you need air or water or food. But need in the sense that you and I both need a relationship.
This little voice could be guided by two things. 1) That I am female and need a heart to heart chat every once and a while, and 2) a piece of advice a friend gave me a few months ago. Brandon and I have a wonderful mentor couple here in Oregon who, by some incredible stroke of luck, have been willing to share their precious time with us. During one of our visits I asked one of the questions that haunts me, “what goes wrong in a marriage when a seemingly perfectly happy couple ends up in a divorce?” I’m sure you’ve known the couples, whom you had no idea anything was wrong until they announced they were divorcing. Is it something in the water? More worrisome, is it catching? I don’t want to wake up one morning and find my marriage certificate lying in pieces. Our mentor had a profound piece of advice. He said “I don’t think that it is that couples go from being perfectly happy one moment to divorced the next, rather, that they haven’t felt free to share their struggles, so they put on a mask, and instead of getting help for their problems, they hide their issues until they have grown so big that the only solution seems to be divorce.” I know how easy it is to bury problems and put on a happy face. It’s far more difficult to be honest with the world that you are struggling, that your heart is breaking.
So where am I going with all of this? Between the need to have a heart to heart talk and this piece of advice that has been going around and around in my head, I’ve decided what to write this blog on. I’ve decided to just be honest. I don’t have anything profound to say. Perhaps I’ve also felt like I should write this because I feel like I have had a lot more questions than answers lately, and I really don’t have anything that interesting to write a blog on.
This is not an exhaustive list, there are some things that the whole world does not need to know, but this is where I am at today, Sunday May 22nd.
1) On the heels of the piece of advice I shared a few paragraphs previous, I must share that Brandon and I had our own bit of rockiness a few weeks ago. I think this bit of advice has been especially on my mind lately because when Brandon and I hit our rough spot I didn’t tell a soul. We did take the matter to our mentor couple, but other than that, it was all kept in my heart, and I put on my happy face. How can I expect others to be honest with me when I don’t share with them? I can’t. While I am writing a post on being honest, my husband isn’t here right now to consult, so I don’t think it would be appropriate to share details with all of Facebook. But I can share what I’ve learned, and that is that when Brandon asks me to forgive him, I have to move forward trusting him that he is going to do better next time. I can’t forgive and then withhold my trust. If I do that, it doesn’t give Brandon a reason or incentive to keep from making the same mistake again. Of course, there is a difference between reasonable trust and blindly trusting, but that is another blog for another person to right.
2) My 27th birthday was on Thursday. Brandon gave me a very happy birthday, including some very wonderful friends who came to a little party for me on Saturday.
3) I don’t want to turn 30. I know that 30 isn’t really old, but it’s only ten years away from 40….So I’ve made up my mind that when I hit 29, I will be eternally 29.
4) We are moving to Grand Junction, Co for the summer. I’m nervous about giving up my own house and living in someone else’s home for the summer.
5) We are moving in three weeks. I have to pack up our whole house. This will be the approximately the 12th time I’ve moved since the year 2000. I’m very excited to be going home to Colorado for the summer, but I’m completely sick of packing and unpacking.
6) I like thinking about having another baby, but I dread the reality of it.
7) If and when we have a second baby I think we will choose a name that has the meaning of “bold” because I will have had to be very bold to be willing to have another baby. One baby is so very convenient. Two feels overwhelming. I was completely overwhelmed having one baby, and it has worked out pretty well, so this is the hope that sustains me as I think about having another one.
8) I really struggle with being critical towards people in my thoughts. I need to make a greater effort to finding people’s strengths, not just weaknesses.
9) I feel like I’m starting to settle into being a stay-at-home-mom. It doesn’t feel quite so scary to be at home with my baby as it did when I first quit my job. But I really want to find a way to make money from home. Right now my ideas are to once again attempt selling Norwex, and my other idea is to make baby quilts to sell on Etsy. Selling Norwex (natural cleaning products) scares me because I tried once and failed, I don’t want to fail again. Selling baby blankets scares me because Etsy already has so many skilled crafters on it. But I feel like I must at least try.
10) The number of people reading my blog dropped dramatically over the last two months. I don’t know if it was coincidence that so many people were reading it, or coincidence that it dropped. The other day I read a blog that had over 10,000 people just like the link on Facebook, I have no idea how many people simply clicked on the link. If you are reading this, I’d really just love to give you a hug right now. Thank you for reading my way-too-long article. I’d love to be the man who could attract such a large audience. Perhaps someday I’ll have something that amazing to say.
11) Last week Brandon and I watched the movie “The Way Back” which was based on a true story of how 7 men escaped from a concentration camp in Siberia. Movies like this terrify me because I’m about two blinks away from having been one of those people in the concentration camp. By some incredible miracle I am living here in Oregon in my cozy little home with a full cupboard of food. But who’s to say that some Muslim dictator won’t try to bomb America tomorrow and throw me in a concentration camp? It truly terrifies me.
12) I spend too much money.
13) I feel like I’ve been in a very dry time with the Lord for about the last three years. I’m so weary of feeling dry, and I have absolutely no idea what to do to fix it.
14) I feel like I should put in some happy thoughts. There are many happy things that go on in my life. I’m blessed by Brandon’s love for me, by my baby’s smiles, and by the wonderful people who care about me. We are so blessed by the friends we’ve made in Oregon. I love our church. I love that the pastor gives us a very detailed outline with blanks to fill in because I tune out way too easily during sermons. This outline keeps me focused! I am blessed by the blue skies and that we are having more “spring” days than “winter” days now.
15) Speaking of Oregon, in Oregon it is against the law to talk on your cellphone will driving. But I do it anyway because driving is such a convenient time to talk. The other day I was at a stoplight, talking away on my cellphone when I looked over at the car next to me and low and behold, my pastor was sitting in that car. Of course, being the brilliant man that he is, he knows the people in his congregation and he recognized me and waved. Perhaps Jesus is trying to send me a message that it is time to obey the law before I end up getting raptured in the middle of committing a sin.
The end. I have a million more thoughts, but if you have hung with me to this point, I am ever so grateful. Thanks for letting me have a heart to heart talk. I hope that I was successful as removing my mask for a while. Perhaps I can also start doing it in real life instead of from the safety of my computer. And of course, as always, if you feel the need for a heart-to-heart talk, please feel free to call/email/text. I know that I need to be honest with people about my struggles so that I don’t wither away on the inside. Please know that it’s safe to do the same, that it’s needed, that it’s even good!