As Mother’s Day approaches I find myself thinking “oh yeah, now I get to be celebrated at that holiday too. Cool”. Yet, after 8 months, it still does not seem real that I am a mother. It’s just so…grownup…and so overwhelming.
What do you think of when I say the word “mother”? Possibly, “children” or “flowers” or “insane”? I don’t think just one word, I think “overwhelming”, “confusing”, “drained”, “disciplining” and “what in the world am I doing?”. This past week has felt especially frustrating for me because Job seems to have been getting increasingly fussy when he is at home with me. But once he and I get in the car to go somewhere, or when he is in the grocery store or when he is in the nursery at church, he is completely content. Not one peep. But when it is just him and I at home, he is not a happy camper. Job is just so social, and he just loves variety.
This is disconcerting to me because I can’t help but to think, if he was happier when he is in daycare (social aspect: lots of babies, variety aspect: lots of change all the time), then why am I at home with him? Why in the world am I a stay at home mom? Because I get to do continual cycles of dishes, straightening, diapers, and cooking all day long? Whoopie.
And of course someone had to do a study on the differences of kids at home with mom and kids at a day care, and the study shows that day care is not so bad, maybe even good, for kids.
So let me get this straight, I quit my job to deal with a crying baby all day, dishes, and diapers, so that I can pour my heart and soul into raising a decent child, and all of this is for naught? A minimum wage paid employee can do better for my kid than I can?
So here is the pep talk I have been giving myself.
1. Satan does not want a godly family. If he can pull me out of the home and get my attention more focused on my career than on my family, then he has a good start on ruining my family (to any moms who work, please don’t feel that I think you are ignoring your family by having a career, rather, I feel that for myself, I would not be able to successfully juggle both career and family, hence part of the reason I quit my job).
2. Many of the kids I have seen in daycare, have, shall I say, less than desirable character qualities. I don’t want my child influenced by these kids. In the short time I spent working in a day care, I saw first hand one sweet little boy slowly being influenced by the rowdy, undisciplined boys.
3. By some miraculous chance, I heard a song by Sanctus Real, which has yet to be released, and that I can’t even find the lyrics on the internet, sung by Sanctus Real on KLove last week. This song is called “All of Me” and was written by Sanctus Real about their little boy who has a heart defect. The song is about how the parents of the little boy want to give all of their love to their baby even tho he may not live very long. They don’t want to hold anything back just because he could die at any time. I wish I could repost the lyrics, but even Google can not find them for me (if anyone happens to know where I could find the lyrics I would be ever so thankful). This song really spoke to me because it reminded me that as a mother, I need to give all of me to my own baby. It’s so easy for me to fall into selfishness when I’m at home with Job…like I just want it to be nap time so I can have “me” time, or like I just want him to play quietly on the floor so I can check facebook….That attitude is not true love at all, and I am fervently praying that God will reform my heart so that I will be passionate and energized by raising a family, not just drained and annoyed by the duties of motherhood. This song was an amazing reminder of how I need to give true love to my baby, not just part of my heart or part of my energy.
4. I can sleep in. Sometimes. Occasionally. Like hopefully next Sunday on Mother’s Day.
So Job, I’m afraid that you are stuck with me for a little while longer. Though you may have found daycare more interesting and socially energizing, I can’t bring myself, despite Daycare is Better Study nonsense, to believe that daycare is a better substitute for mom.