Yesterday Job turned ten weeks old! I can’t believe that a little over two months ago, Job was just in my tummy. And this time last year he didn’t even exist! He is just so much a part of our family that it’s hard to imagine a time before Job. It just seems like he’s always been with us.
I was thinking today about how fearful I was during my pregnancy about whether or not I would be happy being a mother. During my pregnancy, it was difficult for me to see the joy in motherhood because I felt surrounded by women who yelled at their kids in Wal-Mart, complained about sleepless nights, and groaned about changing diapers. I was frequently warned to enjoy my sleep while I could because in a few months I would only be able to enjoy big, dark circles under my eyes. I just did not feel very encouraged on the path to motherhood.
I worried about loosing the comforts of life, like sleeping in (or sleeping at all!), enjoying peaceful hours in a coffee shop, or spontaneous dates with my husband. A baby would require 24/7 attention which could negate sleep, going out would require extra prep time plus time and attention at the destination which robbed me of my peaceful hours in a coffee shop, and there could no longer be spontaneous dates because a baby required a baby sitter thus canceling out the spontaneous part of a spontaneous date. Motherhood just didn’t sound like a lot of fun.
Not only that, but I thought about all the time I poured into my various endeavors, whether it by my job, my hobbies, or my marriage. Much of this time would now need to be poured into caring for a baby, which I did not feel encouraged in nor did it sound like fun.
So I worried and struggled with fear and anxiety over the future of my life and marriage. But it was my selfishness that caused my fear. I was focused on what I would be loosing, not what I would be gaining, and I felt that my happiness was dependent on how much time I could spend on me and my desires.
And then at 5:01 on August 23rd, Job Edward Coble arrived, and no longer could I fear motherhood, I had to face it.
The first few weeks were hard. I cried because I wanted to sleep for more than two hours at a time, I hated nursing because it was so painful, and I struggled with the changing dynamics with my husband. But gradually things started to fall into place. Job started sleeping for longer stretches, nursing began to feel more natural, and Brandon and I adjusted.
I can’t say that I love changing dirty diapers, or that I don’t mind missing out on my coffee shop visits. It would definitely be nice to be able to take those spontaneous dates with Brandon, or at least cuddle on the couch without a crying baby! I don’t have the time or energy to spend on some of my hobbies, and my career is even changing as I consider just being at home with my baby. But at the same time, I’m so much happier and so much more fulfilled than before. My joy is increased through the care and nurture of this little life, my little baby.
I think it’s because God has wired to find far more fulfillment in service to others rather than serving ourselves. Jesus said it best when He said in Matthew 10:39, “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” I’m so thankful that I didn’t just allow my fears of motherhood to overwhelm me and keep me from becoming a mother. Or rather I should say, I’m so thankful that God enabled me to walk through the door of motherhood so that I could experience more blessings than I thought possible.
Here are some pictures of Job. He is still just a little guy, but growing every day! Last week he was 10lb 11oz and 21 3/4 inches tall.